An Egyptian Transwoman: Losing My Identity

Al Salam Alaykom Wa Rahmat Allaho Wa Barakato “God peace, and blessing upon you”

I decided to write my life story, and my suffering during my childhood. I was born in Saudi Arabia. I had a wealthy family consisting of six boys and girls, and I was the seventh. My family was very happy with me, as she gave birth to me in the age of forty, and because I was the youngest of my brothers and sisters.The doctor examined my genitals and said, this is a boy, so they called me a boy’s name. I lived with my whole family since then. At the age of five, my dad brought me a football, but I didn’t like it. My dad took me to the toys store, I saw all the toys, and I wanted nothing by the Barbie doll, with the blonde hair and the pink dress. I said “I want that”, my father said,”No!” My dad took me out, against my well, and I kept crying. I never had any toys until I was seven years old. I went to the kinder garden, and it was a mixed one. Boys used to play football, while I used to play with girls, acting or tea time games. The teacher was confused, so she called my mother and said, “Your son is the only boy playing with girls”.

My mom never really cared at all, until one day I took a Barbie doll from the kinder garden, and I hid it into my bad, took it home to play with it. My older brother found out, and he hit me because I was playing with a doll, and he smashed the doll. I kept crying, and no one is comforting me. I joined a boys-only primary school, afterwards. I used to be mocked from all the boys, as I used to feel like a girl. I used to say “I’m a girl”, no one believed me for reasons I do not know. At the time I became fifteen, I joined middle school, my body began to change to look like a female body, and soft like one. That caused me to be harassed every day in a school where there were only boys. One day, I was going to the water closet, and six students of eighteen years old came in and they were talking to me saying “We like you”. I was very scared, I asked them to move away, but they shut my mouth, took me inside, closed the door and I kept shouting for help, but no one ever listened. My body was violated against my will, and that was shocking. I told the school principle; he said you deserve it as you look like a girl. I knew if I told my family, I would have got the same response. I kept crying, no one would listen, I tried to suicide many times, but I failed every time. I was oppressed in that society. Three years of abusing me physically by my brothers and violating my body in my school have passed. One day I went to my mom, and begged her to get me out of that place, and that I couldn’t live in that society and with those oppressing brothers, “Please get me out, get me out”, I said. My mom asked my dad to come to Egypt for treatment. Mom and I went to Egypt, specifically to Cairo.

We visited a doctor, who examined me with radiations and chemical analysis, and he said I was sick by Gender Identity Disorder. Mom asked the doctor, “what does it means?”, He replied saying that I’m a girl psychologically and hormonally and that I should be transformed into a female. My mom was shocked; she called my father who refused to have this operation done, because it would damage his family’s name. I insisted to live here in Egypt. I noticed that the Egyptians treat me like a lady, because of the female hormones excess in my body that god had granted me. My dad insisted to give me male hormones, despite my doctor warning, “That’s dangerous for your son”, my father wouldn’t listen and told the doctor that he is crazy and made me have male hormones to get rid of the female shape I have got in my body and my face. My body hasn’t changed at all, thank god, on the contrary, those hormones turned to be female hormones in my body. My dad stopped the medicines, and banned me from having any medicine. I remained in Egypt with my mom, and lived happily; I forgot my sadness and met many friends. I was happy till the day that my mother said that my father wanted us to go back to Saudi Arabia. That was a shock for me, and I was very sad hearing this.

I told one of my friends, he persuaded me, and said, “I’d help you running away, there is no other way that escaping”. I made a mistake, he said he wanted money, so I gave him my stuff and money. He lied to me, he stole the money. I couldn’t’ believe what happened, I was betrayed by a man who I considered a brother and more. Things got more complicated, I had to go to police station, he denied stealing anything, and he was released. I keep praying, “god please, soften my dad’s heart and don’t make him take me to this damned country, I hope god listens to my prayers and here my pen stops writing.